Days pass within mere seconds,
And years within those days.
My head grows light,
I walk on air,
My mind is in a haze.
The smile upon those tender lips
That ache to brush my own
Sing ballads in a moment;
No sound, no motion shown.
The beauty in those longing eyes
Delves deep into my soul.
They take the broken pieces,
And attempt to make me whole.
Perhaps I’ve found some solace
In the love that’s been displayed
By one who’s felt the bitter pain
Of being so betrayed.
Note: I apologize for the Seuss-like rhyme scheme. I’m mildly intoxicated, and incapable of freehand at the moment.
Years passed, your beauty glowing ever radiant.
Plentiful love flowed betwixt our hearts.
The warmth of your skin,
The touch of your lips,
The anticipation of seeing you at days end;
Moments to live for,
To dream of,
Walks through the parks, lovers hand in hand,
The bountiful light of joyful souls
Playing serenely off the face of life.
The glimmer in your eyes so sweet
I could scarce but taste your happiness.
The days we sat around,
Laying for hours, arm in arm,
Enjoying the presence of one another;
Feelings to die for,
To pine after,
And to hope
That someday, maybe,
We can live those moments once more.
For now, I can no longer call you my own,
And it saddens my heart that those memories
Are no more.
Waves of pain and doubt wash over me
Like and endless sea of misery.
Distressed, I lay awake
To who will my heart fly
Now that it’s been crushed and thrown to the wind?
To what ends must I go
In my search for peace and joy?
How long, my love, have you felt so?
How fickle is thy heart
That so quickly it grows for yet another?
The years spent with no purpose
Save to bring you joy,
Cast away like rubbish
And drowned in emotions unspeakable.
Have you not eyes
To see the darkness grow in mine?
Have you not ears
To hear my cries for mercy?
Yet you ignore my plea
And yearn for a man who you know not.
Perhaps I am a fool
To think our love was strong.
You, the one I loved,
The one I trusted,
Have broken a bond of faith we once held dear.
Now I walk alone, but an empty husk,
Bound toward fright and confusion.
Yet despite it all,
My love for you burns bright.
I wish I could tell her how much I hurt. I wish I could tell her that, no, I’m not okay. But I don’t want to hurt her by putting that burden on her. I need to move on, but I can’t do that as quickly as she can.
I don’t mean to sound emo, but I’m broken. My heart is torn to shreds, and I don’t know how to handle it. Every minute of every day I think about how much I love her, and how much she loved me until I introduced her to the guy who stole her heart. The more I think of it, the greater and darker the shadow looming over my soul grows.
I thought it would be easier than this, and at the same time I expected it to be much harder. I expected she would at least have lingering feelings for me, but if she does, she sure as hell doesn’t show it. And that kills me more than anything. We had something special, something you don’t find often. Maybe it was one-sided, or maybe she’s afraid to show it to me. I don’t know. I doubt I ever will.
Maybe sleep will cure my woes, and when I wake up it’ll be nothing but a bad dream. Perhaps I hope for too much. I fear I’ve lost the one thing I truly cared about in this world. Or perhaps I’m being melodramatic. Good night, world. I’m going to spend another sleepless night pondering over everything that could be.
The worst has come and gone. Macintyre and I have pulled the plug and broken ties. Adjusting to the single life will be a difficult process, but it’s probably for the better. The good thing is we ended our relationship on mutual agreement. We still love each other the way we always have, but we’re moving on to bigger and better things.
The most difficult part is that we’re still living under the same roof. She bought a bed and threw it in the spare room, and moved all her stuff in with it. It’s going to be an awkward situation, but one we’ve decided to live with. All I want is for her to be happy with the choices she makes. As long as she continues to be the loving, joyful person I know her to be, I will support her wholeheartedly in any of her decisions.
I’ve asked myself countless times in the past few weeks if the last 4 years were spent for nothing, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I couldn’t be more wrong. It’s years spent for her. For us. It was a time of learning and a time of growth. Now we can take those experiences with us into everything we do from this point on.
Since I was a young teen, I’ve been a rather troubled person. I’ve gone through long bouts of depression, I’ve had loved ones die in front of me, and I’ve been, as mentioned before, an emotional time bomb. There’s always been one thing that can pull me out of my darkest mindsets, though, and that thing is the sanctity of musical score.
Back in 2006, I was driven to the brink of suicide by a man I used to call my father. He was abusive, to put it lightly. In the time that I lived with him, I was beaten, starved, and otherwise not in a very good place for an adolescent. When I was just about to snap, I discovered a song that made me break down and cry, and I started rethinking my life. As corny as it sounds, that song saved my life. The song is Perfectly Flawed, by Otep.
In my current situation, I’ve been driven back into a depression I thought I’d never see again. But yet again I found music that keeps me sane. Content, even. It’s a band that I discovered a few years ago when I first moved across the country to be with Macintyre. Aranda is a musical group from Oklahoma City. It’s a couple of brothers who have a very good collection of songs for any occasion. The two songs in particular that help keep me out of an emotional pit are Whyyawannabringmedown and Still In The Dark. If you search those on YouTube, you’ll probably find Kelly Clarkson’s cover of the songs. I’m not a big fan of those.
As soon as I get access to a computer, I’ll edit this post and put the videos for those songs up. In the mean time, I hope you check out the music and perhaps gain an understanding of how it helps to quell my pain.
It’s another dark morning, and I can’t seem to get to sleep. Not sure if it’s stress, the weather, or just plain old insomnia. I feel like my recent sleeping habits can’t be healthy. The past few days I’ve stayed up till 3 or 4 in the morning and woken up around 7:30. At least until last night. After I posted my drunken depressed journal thing I fell right to sleep and didn’t wake up for about 13 hours. Once I woke up I wanted nothing more than to shut my eyes and continue my blissful rest.
Anyway, on a separate note, I discovered the Hot or Not app today. There’s nothing like an app where you have such a limited number of choices (2) to make you feel shallow. Turns out I’m a very judgmental person. Either that or I just have preferences and standards that I hold myself to… But seriously, choosing between hot and not can make you feel shitty about yourself really quickly. I actually managed to get an award on the app for being one of the pickiest people this week (allegedly).
Another thing the app made me realize is that when I can’t see a person’s face and/or body in its entirety, I judge them by their eyes. Some people have the most gorgeous eyes. Not really something I knew I had a thing for. It’s almost like I can see into their soul when all I see is eyes. I never realized how much color and depth you can find just from that.
All that aside, I’d actually recommend getting the app, whether for fun or vanity. I posted my pictures on there (which none of you are likely to ever see) out of curiosity. I keep opening it to see if I have ratings. It’s been about 3 hours, and so far there’s nothing.
Here’s a link to the app for anyone interested in trying it. My god, I feel like I’m advertising right now. Never written a review before, but I suppose this is a start.
Despite my attempts at being optimistic about everything happening in my life lately, I can’t help but feel like things aren’t going as I had hoped. I’ve tried for the past week or so to talk to Mac about where we want to go from here, but all I get is disinterest in the conversation. I told her I’d like to talk today about it, and she responded by taking a nap, then locking herself in her room for hours talking to her new love interest. It’s tearing me apart.
What doubt I had about our ability to fix our situation is only growing stronger by the day. I’m still not sure where we stand as far as our relationship goes, but I can’t help but assume I’ll be alone in the near future. It makes me wonder… Did these last 4 years mean nothing to her?
I’m a little drunk tonight and probably shouldn’t be blogging, but I have to put this somewhere before I explode from emotional overload. Once we’ve got everything figured out I’ll start posting the things I’d originally started this blog for. Sorry for all the journaling in the mean time.
Despite everything I’ve been going through these past few weeks, I’m trying to keep a positive outlook on how life is treating me. Even though I’ve had my heart ripped from me (figuratively, of course), I feel like there’s a lot for me to look forward to. I’m trying to live by the words my dear mother used to preach to me in my darkest hours. “This, too, shall pass, then life will move on.” I’ve never come by wiser words.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still torn to shreds over what Mac is putting me through, but I’ve grieved over it long enough. It’s time I climb out of my emotional trench and press on. If things go south and I end up on my own, I need to be able to stand up and enjoy life for what it is. I have friends who care, family to spend time with, and, hopefully, many years ahead of me yet.
Now the tricky part… Fixing this thing with Macintyre before we end up calling it quits.
I don’t even know why I try anymore. Every time I try to make some headway with my current emotional situation, I’m shot down and ignored. People tell me I need to open up, to express my feelings as I’m feeling them, but every time I do so, everyone shuts me out. I grow weary of being everyone’s puppet.
The past few days I’ve been trying make my relationship with Mac work out, but she’s done nothing but jerk me around. One day she wants distance, to take a break and figure things out, and the next day she’s curled up in my arms like nothing was wrong.
For the past few days I’ve been actively trying to talk to her about everything she’s putting me through, but she’s made a point of being “too tired” or “too busy” to sit down and listen for 10 minutes. Today she decided she’s flat out not ready to talk to me at all. She wants distance. She wants us to be together forever. She wants to be “just friends”. She wants to be young lovers. I can’t take much more of this.
The worst part isn’t even knowing she doesn’t want to be with me. The hardest part of the whole situation is her indecision. She doesn’t know what she wants, so she’s dragging me along for the ride. Until she knows what she wants, until she decides whether she wants to be with me or not, I’m under constant emotional tension. I feel like a time bomb, and I don’t know how much longer before I completely lose my cool.
It doesn’t even end with Mac. People who I’ve grown to love and trust are giving me the same bullshit. Talking to anyone is like pouring my heart out to a brick wall. I explain where I’m at, and I get a smile and nod. I’m sick of it. I need to move on, but I don’t know how. I’m so many shades of emotionally fucked up right now, and I don’t even know if I should be posting this.
To anyone who’s read this far, I’m sorry for the rant. This is the only place I can put myself out there and feel like someone will hear me. And at the same time, it’s the one place I know nobody will see it. Thank you, oh great Internet, for providing me an empty canvas to fill with my soul’s misgivings.