Doubt and frustration.

I don’t even know why I try anymore. Every time I try to make some headway with my current emotional situation, I’m shot down and ignored. People tell me I need to open up, to express my feelings as I’m feeling them, but every time I do so, everyone shuts me out. I grow weary of being everyone’s puppet.

The past few days I’ve been trying make my relationship with Mac work out, but she’s done nothing but jerk me around. One day she wants distance, to take a break and figure things out, and the next day she’s curled up in my arms like nothing was wrong.

For the past few days I’ve been actively trying to talk to her about everything she’s putting me through, but she’s made a point of being “too tired” or “too busy” to sit down and listen for 10 minutes. Today she decided she’s flat out not ready to talk to me at all. She wants distance. She wants us to be together forever. She wants to be “just friends”. She wants to be young lovers. I can’t take much more of this.

The worst part isn’t even knowing she doesn’t want to be with me. The hardest part of the whole situation is her indecision. She doesn’t know what she wants, so she’s dragging me along for the ride. Until she knows what she wants, until she decides whether she wants to be with me or not, I’m under constant emotional tension. I feel like a time bomb, and I don’t know how much longer before I completely lose my cool.

It doesn’t even end with Mac. People who I’ve grown to love and trust are giving me the same bullshit. Talking to anyone is like pouring my heart out to a brick wall. I explain where I’m at, and I get a smile and nod. I’m sick of it. I need to move on, but I don’t know how. I’m so many shades of emotionally fucked up right now, and I don’t even know if I should be posting this.

To anyone who’s read this far, I’m sorry for the rant. This is the only place I can put myself out there and feel like someone will hear me. And at the same time, it’s the one place I know nobody will see it. Thank you, oh great Internet, for providing me an empty canvas to fill with my soul’s misgivings.


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