Self Reflection (A Written Train of Thought)

I don’t really know what’s been happening to me lately, but I’ve realized I’m beginning to feel empty inside. Everything I do feels routine; almost mechanical. In a way, that fits with my view of the world in general. I’ve almost always seen the world as clockwork. Everything has its place, everyone has their purpose. But where do I stand in this vast machine?

When I take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things, my actions seem trivial at best. What am I doing with my life that isn’t being done by countless other people? Absolutely nothing. I have a mediocre job and live in a mediocre apartment. My skills are few, and those I have are limited and inferior to those of people around me. The way I see it, I really have no purpose in life.

If I look a bit closer than the grand scheme, I see someone who is fairly well liked by the community. I don’t know very many people by name, but I’m in an occupational position where I can have a small impact on people. I work in customer service, and I try to be a patient, understanding, and hopefully sociable person. If I have a customer who’s not having the best day, I do what I can to make them happy. If I succeed in that, then I’ve accomplished that at least. There’s a little purpose in that, but still not really anything that makes much of an impact.

Moving closer, I see my friends. My family. People who know me on a personal level see someone they can confide in. Someone who cares about them who’s willing to help where needed. If someone needs advice, a helping hand, an open ear, or a shoulder to cry on, they know I’ll be there for them. I can make a difference in those peoples’ lives. I can, when called upon, be the light in someone’s darkest times. There’s a reason the people who associate with me are there.

And now we’ve reached home. This is where I lose track of my purpose. Perhaps that’s a sign that I need to get out more. I sit at home, I play some video games, listen to music, do a couple chores here and there…. Not a very fulfilling lifestyle. I feel like I’m unneeded, and sometimes even unwanted here. Maybe my purpose has yet to be revealed. Maybe I don’t have one. This is something I’ll really need to think about. Perhaps it’s time to make change.

And so we’ve reached the end of our trip. My inner self. My sanctum. I’m hesitant to write much about this. But it’s something I’ll have to get used to doing. I’m not a very open person. I hide pain behind a wall of joy and smiles. I show people the me that I want them to see. Am I a happy person? I don’t know. I bottle up negative emotions until I can hardly stand it. Blowing off steam isn’t something I’ve every been good at. I’ve called myself an emotional time bomb before. I’d probably hold to that now.

Sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. I feel like nothing would change in the world if I wasn’t here. No, I’m not saying suicide, I’m thinking multiverse. Somewhere, there’s a universe that unfolded in exactly the same way this one did, just without my existence. And you know what I think? I think it would be exactly the same, with someone else in my place. Another person at my job, living in my apartment, writing this blog to organize their thoughts.

I guess in the long run, I don’t have a purpose on my own. I’m not meant to be reclusive, to hide away from the world. Being alone is something I’m not very good at anyway. I need to get out there, I need to make friends. Being in a crowded place with friendly new faces to meet is what brings me happiness and gives me hope. I need society to help me stay sane. I need to be one with the community, and only once I’ve accomplished that will I find my purpose. My life has shaped me into who I am. Now I just need to find the place where I fit.

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