Numb

Last night was an emotional roller coaster. To start, I was working for almost 13 hours straight. My girlfriend, who suffers from anxiety and depression, was home alone. I came home to her drunk and talking to her old hookups (a culture I don’t understand, but can accept). She was manic, I was tired, and we didn’t really see eye to eye on the situation.

An hour or two before I got home, she started drinking. I didn’t realize she went and bought a bunch of Smirnoff. I got home to an empty 6-pack. We don’t drink often, so alcohol tolerance is pretty low. She’s had history with alcoholism. The drinks put her on a self destructive streak. She was frantically searching for something to rip herself up with. I took knives and staple removers from her, but she kept fighting to hold on to them.

Over the course of a couple hours, we went from talking to me convincing her cutting isn’t going to solve anything. I know from plenty experience that the release is only temporary, and the scars are a permanent reminder of sorrow and stupidity. She kept pushing me to break up with her. I love her. I don’t want to leave her. But she was so convinced that she’s worthless.

Today, I don’t know what to feel. I’m numb. I’m falling into a depression again, and I think it’s due to hers. I don’t know what to do. I have no desire to do any work, to attend class, to be productive. I just want to curl up and hide from the world. I hate this. I want to be okay, and I want to have the strength to help her do the same. But I can’t. Not right now.