On the road again.

The holiday celebrations are over, and the long travels begin. Amanda and I spent a couple weeks at the house MacIntyre and I bought once upon a time. Mac is doing well, and she got along with Amanda much better than I had expected them to. I got the chance to visit my parents, which was nice. Mother thinks Amanda might be the one I’ve been looking for these past few years.

Our next destination us Ohio. Amanda’s grandfather passed away on the second of this month, and we’re on our way to the wake, and attending the funeral tomorrow morning. It’s definitely been a hectic, stressful holiday season. Once we’ve attended the funeral, we’ll be heading back to our home in North Carolina. The drive will be long, but well worth it.

Overall, it’s been a wonderful visit with old friends, family, and the woman I love. Hopefully we can do this again some time in the near future. I enjoyed myself, and Amanda seems to like everyone as much as they like her.


Loot Crate Mania

I’m not sure if I’ve ever made mention of it, but I’m a bit of a geek. I recently came across the Loot Crate, of which I opened my first about 5 months ago. I discovered a contest today that gives me, and anyone who joins me, the opportunity to win a full year of Crates. To enter the competition and join the fun, follow the link below. Every new person who joins also helps me in my endeavor to receive the Loot Crates I love so much.

Enter the Loot Crate 12 Month Giveaway

For those of you who don’t know what Loot Crate is, it’s a monthly subscription (~$20/month) to receive a box of geek ware, goodies, and gadgetry. Each crate is themed (i.e. Heroes, Intergalactic, Villains, etc.) and comes with roughly $40+ worth of toys, comics, shirts, and other such fun things. Here’s their official page on How It Works.

Loot Crate – How It Works

Beginning Again

I’ve recently made the decision to move out of state to follow possible career paths, and hopefully to find love where I believe to see it. It’s a big decision, and the second time I’ve made it. I met my current love interest not long ago. We happened to participate in the same online communities at the time, and decided to start talking. Things started progressing from there, changing from interest, to infatuation, to being head-over-heels in love.

Before you call me crazy and impulsive, I’m going to tell you that I’m crazy and impulsive. In a matter of weeks, I decided to put in my two weeks at a job I’d had for years, pack up everything, and uproot my entire life. I now live somewhere with no friends, no job, no money, and not a care in the world. I recently applied for some jobs in my desired field, but we’ll see where that gets me. I’m currently living with my love interest. We have two cats, and I’m rambling.

Besides the crazy events that have led up to today, I’ve had it pretty good. I may be friendless right now, but I’m hoping to meet some new people tomorrow evening (Halloween night downtown shall be fun) and maybe making some new friends. People here seem to be a lot kinder and more sincere than where I come from. There’s a certain way about people here that seems more hospitable than I’ve seen anywhere else.

I know I haven’t really made much mention of her yet, but the girl I met is absolutely wonderful. She’s funny, smart, beautiful, and loving. She understands me and accepts me for who I am. She knows I’m a broken soul, and she can relate. We enjoy many of the same things, and the things we can’t agree on, we have fun debating. Our interests compliment each other’s. Our differences add body and intrigue to our relationship. I’ve honestly not been happier in years. I could make this whole post solely about her, but I’m beginning to get tired. Perhaps next time I’ll fill you in. Or perhaps not. One way or the other, I saw a need for a fresh start and I made it happen. And I couldn’t be happier with my decision.

Self Reflection (A Written Train of Thought)

I don’t really know what’s been happening to me lately, but I’ve realized I’m beginning to feel empty inside. Everything I do feels routine; almost mechanical. In a way, that fits with my view of the world in general. I’ve almost always seen the world as clockwork. Everything has its place, everyone has their purpose. But where do I stand in this vast machine?

When I take a step back and look at the grand scheme of things, my actions seem trivial at best. What am I doing with my life that isn’t being done by countless other people? Absolutely nothing. I have a mediocre job and live in a mediocre apartment. My skills are few, and those I have are limited and inferior to those of people around me. The way I see it, I really have no purpose in life.

If I look a bit closer than the grand scheme, I see someone who is fairly well liked by the community. I don’t know very many people by name, but I’m in an occupational position where I can have a small impact on people. I work in customer service, and I try to be a patient, understanding, and hopefully sociable person. If I have a customer who’s not having the best day, I do what I can to make them happy. If I succeed in that, then I’ve accomplished that at least. There’s a little purpose in that, but still not really anything that makes much of an impact.

Moving closer, I see my friends. My family. People who know me on a personal level see someone they can confide in. Someone who cares about them who’s willing to help where needed. If someone needs advice, a helping hand, an open ear, or a shoulder to cry on, they know I’ll be there for them. I can make a difference in those peoples’ lives. I can, when called upon, be the light in someone’s darkest times. There’s a reason the people who associate with me are there.

And now we’ve reached home. This is where I lose track of my purpose. Perhaps that’s a sign that I need to get out more. I sit at home, I play some video games, listen to music, do a couple chores here and there…. Not a very fulfilling lifestyle. I feel like I’m unneeded, and sometimes even unwanted here. Maybe my purpose has yet to be revealed. Maybe I don’t have one. This is something I’ll really need to think about. Perhaps it’s time to make change.

And so we’ve reached the end of our trip. My inner self. My sanctum. I’m hesitant to write much about this. But it’s something I’ll have to get used to doing. I’m not a very open person. I hide pain behind a wall of joy and smiles. I show people the me that I want them to see. Am I a happy person? I don’t know. I bottle up negative emotions until I can hardly stand it. Blowing off steam isn’t something I’ve every been good at. I’ve called myself an emotional time bomb before. I’d probably hold to that now.

Sometimes I don’t know how to handle it. I feel like nothing would change in the world if I wasn’t here. No, I’m not saying suicide, I’m thinking multiverse. Somewhere, there’s a universe that unfolded in exactly the same way this one did, just without my existence. And you know what I think? I think it would be exactly the same, with someone else in my place. Another person at my job, living in my apartment, writing this blog to organize their thoughts.

I guess in the long run, I don’t have a purpose on my own. I’m not meant to be reclusive, to hide away from the world. Being alone is something I’m not very good at anyway. I need to get out there, I need to make friends. Being in a crowded place with friendly new faces to meet is what brings me happiness and gives me hope. I need society to help me stay sane. I need to be one with the community, and only once I’ve accomplished that will I find my purpose. My life has shaped me into who I am. Now I just need to find the place where I fit.

To whom it may concern.

I’ve done nothing but try and make things work. You say you want to start over and make things right. You say you want us to be what we once were. Yet you ignore the effort I put into it. I try to join you, I ask you to participate, you blow me off. Starting over in a relationship implies there’s still a relationship between us, but you don’t seem to see how one-sided it is.

You shy away at my slightest touch. You won’t hold me, you won’t sit with me to watch a show or play a game. But when it comes to them, and you know to whom I refer, you show no hesitation in laying on their shoulders, sleeping with your head nestled into their chests. That does not fix a relationship.

How much can you truly mean when you say you love me? Are you leading me on, playing games with my emotions? Was he right when he said I’m just your new toy that you’d so quickly grow weary of? I feel almost cheated out of months of my life; months in which I’ve done nothing but sacrifice time and energy to ensure your health, your comfort, and your happiness. And now you treat my efforts as though they were nothing, showing not a single shred of appreciation.

I try to explain how I feel, but each word that I speak, you shoot down. You try to rationalize your blind and selfish deeds by shoving your past relationships down my throat. I am in no way attempting to control you through what I say, but you always find a way to make it sound as if I’m threatening you with words that never pass my lips. Just because I show concern does not mean I’m tearing you down. It simply means I’d like to talk. To overcome these obstacles that lay before us. But you’re too blind to see. You’re too convinced my every action, every word, is made with ill intent.

Harsh Revelation

I don’t know what I did, where I went wrong, but everything is falling apart at the seams. According to her, I’m an uncaring, self-righteous asshole who thinks of nothing but himself. All I’ve tried to do is make things work. I take care of her to the best of my ability. When she wants to go somewhere, I put my life on pause and we go. When she wants food, I make what she asks for. I clean. I work. I’m even searching for a better paying job so I can support the both of us.

Am I a fool? Am I being used? I sure as hell feel like it. I give my undying love on a day to day basis, with no apparent reciprocation. Every day we drift further apart. She sleeps in a different room. She has for almost a month now. Won’t even spend 10 minutes in the same room to talk, or cuddle, or do anything to actually help support our supposed “relationship”. She is, however, fine with sleeping in that room with another man not 5 feet from her. Am I too loveblind to see what’s happening right in front of my eyes? Perhaps I’m being paranoid, But I fear the worst; and she won’t listen to a word I say when I try to explain why.

By nature I’m a caring person who tries to help others in any way I can, with or without compensation. I’m also prone to bottling up emotions to the point where it’s detrimental to my own health. The combination of those two traits is beginning to take its’ toll on me. My heart is in shambles, my soul is hanging by a thread. I’ve been trod on for far longer than I should ever have put up with. But without the capacity to express my feelings, save for by medium of writing, I’m unable to put a stop to it.

Perhaps this passage is nothing but the petty rambling of one whose problems are insignificant; perhaps it’s a cry for help. If it turns out to be the latter, I only hope my plea reaches the right ears. I hope to find a constructive outlet, a helping hand, or a friend who can show the compassion I need to make it through another lonely, painful day.

Untitled (A fairly crappy poem)

Days pass within mere seconds,
And years within those days.
My head grows light,
I walk on air,
My mind is in a haze.
The smile upon those tender lips
That ache to brush my own
Sing ballads in a moment;
No sound, no motion shown.
The beauty in those longing eyes
Delves deep into my soul.
They take the broken pieces,
And attempt to make me whole.
Perhaps I’ve found some solace
In the love that’s been displayed
By one who’s felt the bitter pain
Of being so betrayed.

Note: I apologize for the Seuss-like rhyme scheme. I’m mildly intoxicated, and incapable of freehand at the moment.

Memories (A poem)

Years passed, your beauty glowing ever radiant.
Plentiful love flowed betwixt our hearts.
The warmth of your skin,
The touch of your lips,
The anticipation of seeing you at days end;
Moments to live for,
To dream of,
To cherish.
Walks through the parks, lovers hand in hand,
The bountiful light of joyful souls
Playing serenely off the face of life.
The glimmer in your eyes so sweet
I could scarce but taste your happiness.
The days we sat around,
Laying for hours, arm in arm,
Enjoying the presence of one another;
Feelings to die for,
To pine after,
And to hope
That someday, maybe,
We can live those moments once more.
For now, I can no longer call you my own,
And it saddens my heart that those memories
Are no more.

Elegy of a broken soul. (A poem)

Waves of pain and doubt wash over me
Like and endless sea of misery.
Distressed, I lay awake
Watching, waiting.
To who will my heart fly
Now that it’s been crushed and thrown to the wind?
To what ends must I go
In my search for peace and joy?
How long, my love, have you felt so?
How fickle is thy heart
That so quickly it grows for yet another?
The years spent with no purpose
Save to bring you joy,
Cast away like rubbish
And drowned in emotions unspeakable.
Have you not eyes
To see the darkness grow in mine?
Have you not ears
To hear my cries for mercy?
Yet you ignore my plea
And yearn for a man who you know not.
Perhaps I am a fool
To think our love was strong.
You, the one I loved,
The one I trusted,
Have broken a bond of faith we once held dear.
Now I walk alone, but an empty husk,
Bound toward fright and confusion.
Yet despite it all,
My love for you burns bright.

Shattered heart, restless mind.

I wish I could tell her how much I hurt. I wish I could tell her that, no, I’m not okay. But I don’t want to hurt her by putting that burden on her. I need to move on, but I can’t do that as quickly as she can.

I don’t mean to sound emo, but I’m broken. My heart is torn to shreds, and I don’t know how to handle it. Every minute of every day I think about how much I love her, and how much she loved me until I introduced her to the guy who stole her heart. The more I think of it, the greater and darker the shadow looming over my soul grows.

I thought it would be easier than this, and at the same time I expected it to be much harder. I expected she would at least have lingering feelings for me, but if she does, she sure as hell doesn’t show it. And that kills me more than anything. We had something special, something you don’t find often. Maybe it was one-sided, or maybe she’s afraid to show it to me. I don’t know. I doubt I ever will.

Maybe sleep will cure my woes, and when I wake up it’ll be nothing but a bad dream. Perhaps I hope for too much. I fear I’ve lost the one thing I truly cared about in this world. Or perhaps I’m being melodramatic. Good night, world. I’m going to spend another sleepless night pondering over everything that could be.